Like most people in my age group, I find that I am having to surrender more and more of my own desires of what I wanted my life to look like. Instead of relinquishing these desires for no apparent purpose or meaning, I know that I am surrendering them to a sovereign, loving God whose inscrutable plan is so much wiser than I could ever imagine.
Surrender is not easy. I have had to give up many significant relationships in my life, and this type of surrender can cause me to feel lonely. I miss my mom, who died 8 years ago. I miss my husband, whose personality changes can be so dramatic when he is overtaken by his seizures. I spend many days missing the easy rapport that Ben and I normally have in our relationship. And now two of my dear friends are in the process of moving, making me aware once again of my need to surrender graciously as I grieve the loss of people that I love.
But one of the hardest things that I am being asked to surrender right now is food. I feel awkward that it is causing me so much hardship to accept this change in our diet. In order to go on this Modified Atkins Diet to control his seizures, Ben is having to give up almost all carbohydrates — breads, beans, fruits, and most vegetables. I need to shop and cook differently, and eat differently as well. I am attempting this diet with Ben in order to support him and make it easier on our meal planning. But I miss the joy I used to take in finding (and eating) new recipes. And I’m already a little bit cranky from the physical effects of hunger on such a limited diet.
Surrender can either bring feelings of helplessness and anger, or it can help draw us closer to God. At times I experience both.
My prayer is that my heart would echo that of the apostle Paul, who writes in Philippians 4:
Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.