The holidays are over, and my pants are snug.
I know this is a silly way to begin a post for a blog on living with faith in the midst of disabilities. But bear with me…eventually, I hope to make some connections!
I am a small woman (5’2”). I am certainly not what anyone would call fat, or even overweight. But over the years, my weight has fluctuated up and down a good 10 pounds.
There is one weight where I am comfortable. I call it my “fulcrum weight.” When I weigh above my fulcrum weight, I begin to feel heavy and my pants are tight. I weigh myself all the time and find that my mood changes depending upon how much farther away from this fulcrum weight my actual weight lands. When I am below my fulcrum weight, clothes fit better and all seems right with the world.
I used to think that hidden disabilities caused me to live on a constant roller-coaster of emotions which wore me out. In actuality, I think I live on the fulcrum. I never know which way the see-saw will tilt each day. Will it be a good day? Will hidden disabilities rear their head and make it a bad day? As with my weight, I do feel like circumstances are always moving one direction. Sometimes weeks can go by and I am not particularly aware of my husband’s disability. Other times, his brain damage is at the forefront of my mind and affects our life in countless ways, big and small. When we are on the down side of the fulcrum, I struggle with fear that things will get worse. I project into a bleak future. I desperately don’t want my emotions to be dependent on my circumstances. But the reality is that my circumstances DO dictate so much about how I feel.
Oh Lord, I pray that I would learn to trust You more. You are the anchor for my soul. You are the giver of all good things. Please help me to trust your perfect plan, your glorious and unchanging ways. Please help me to remember that not only are you the fulcrum, you are the board underneath … lifting, girding, and upholding.