On Insecurities

Sometimes, God can keep us off-center so that we would find our strength and our hope in Him. This past month, I had the privilege of starting a new job. My new job is exciting and is a very specific answer to prayer.  But it is also EXHAUSTING. Each time I start a new job – and I’ve had plenty over the last few years – I am reminded how much the newness can drain the life out of me. I am adjusting to a new commute (which is not an easy one), new co-workers with all of their quirks, a new environment, a new gym, new insecurities, and tons of new input bombarding all of my senses.

I know it will take a few months to really settle in. But the most unexpected part of this new stage in my life is that I’ve discovered being out of my comfort zone has magnified my insecurities in every area. I feel uniquely off-center — and I am praying that God would help me to find my meaning and purpose in Him, not in my performance or my comfort.

My insecurities at work have also brought to the forefront my insecurities at home. I find myself questioning my parenting at every turn.  In my non-working hours, how much time should I be spending with my kids?  What does that look like?  What should MY life look like?  Where does my disabled husband fit in?  How can I explain to my kids that I sometimes need to spend more time with my husband than with them?

At work, I am trying to find the balance between spending my lunch hour in the break room, where I may or may not develop friendships and get to know people, or rushing to the gym.  Even though it exhausts me to go to the gym, this is one hour where I can feel centered, work out for the sake of my mental and physical health, and focus on managing my depression through exercise.  I feel insecure with each decision I make.

I know it will take months for me to feel connected to others at work.  I know that most of my time both at work and at home is spent feeling acutely aware of not performing at my best.  Right now, I am asking God to help me find my center in Him.  I like my new job and sense long-term potential in it.  But I joke that it doesn’t just have a learning curve, it has a learning hole.  So I come home each day feeling out of my comfort zone; not knowing when I’ll start to feel more confident and more comfortable in my daily job…in my daily world.

My husband recently explained that his brain injury results in his being overwhelmed by insecurity on a daily basis…and this has been going on now for ten years.  His memory loss causes him to live with a perpetual sense of disconnectedness and insecurity.  I am asking God to help me grow in my compassion for Ben as I, too, struggle with these issues.  I sense my need for God more at this point in my life than I have in previous changes.  My desire is to use this time to grow closer to Him.  Won’t you please pray with me that my insecurities and lack of comfort would help turn me to the “father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those in any affliction, with the comfort with which we are comforted by God.”  2 Corinthians 1:3-4


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